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Never Has He Ever

An amusing short story of three grown women who find humor with each other while playing a game of 'Never Has He Ever', where the 'he' is their husbands. Oh, the things their husbands have never done! Don't miss this one!

“Never has he ever reached down into my purse. Ever. Even if I ask for him to just hand me my wallet, here he comes with the entire pink tote bag in tow. I don’t know, maybe he’s just scared that his arms will be seized by hidden feminine products and that he’ll forever be known as the man who lost his arm in the pursuit of pursely knowledge,” Melissa said as she ended with a hearty laugh than proceeded into a coughing fit.

Melissa was at home with her two best friends, Anna and Leigh, and they were in the midst of a game of “Never Has He Ever”, where the ‘he’ was their husbands. Laughter amplified with each successive response as they let loose.

“Oh, I got one better,” Anna said, wiping a stray tear from laughing so hard. “Never has he ever figured out how to do Riley’s hair. The man can take apart and rebuild engines. But give him a brush and a ponytail, and he’s as bewildered as a hyena in a beauty pageant.” She took a sip of her wine and continued, “Remember when I was sick as a dog a couple months ago? Well, I couldn’t get out of bed. It was impossible. Riley comes to tell me good-bye before she goes to the bus stop, and her hair is all cattywampus. It’s off-center, a quarter of her hair didn’t even make it into the ponytail, and then you had other sections that only made it partway. I was so tired and out of it, I could only hope and pray that there were not any school pictures that day, or if there were--it was Wacky Wednesday. My poor baby.”

“Hold my beer y’all,” Leigh began. “Never has he ever done his own laundry. IN HIS LIFE.”

“No way!” Anna exclaimed.

“For real?” Melissa gasped.

“That’s the God’s honest truth. His Mama did his clothes up to and until we got married. I suppose he was oblivious—you know he’s really good at that—being oblivious. And well, I guess his Mama was content to keep doing it too. I mean, can you imagine cleaning your adult son’s boxers?” Leigh said.

“Yeah, that right there is dying with that generation. My kids do their own laundry and they aren’t even in their teens yet,” Melissa said.

“So I have to ask, when was it that you found out his Mother was still cleaning his clothes?” Anna asked.

Leigh tossed her hair over her shoulder and said, “Probably about two years after we met. I was at his apartment one night, and we had a little too much to drink—if you know what I mean. Well, I tripped and spilled half my glass on his jacket. It was bad too. So I took it to his laundry room thinking there’d be some stain remover there. Nothing on the shelf. No detergent, no dryer sheets, and definitely not any stain remover. Before I could open my mouth to say anything, he was behind me and said ‘Oh don’t worry about it. I’m taking my laundry to Mom’s tomorrow. I’ll add it to the pile.”

“Wow! Well he must have had some other rather redeeming qualities, because if I had found that out in the early stages—I’d be out the door,” Anna commented.

“Yeah, it was a bit concerning but what can I say? We managed to build a good life together. So you take the good and the bad—and the laundry,” Leigh said.

“What do you think our husbands would be talking about if we put them in a room together?” Melissa asked.

“Hmm. I don’t know, tires?” Leigh suggested.

“Lawnmowers. Definitely lawnmowers,” Anna replied.

“Another piece of riveting conversation—the future of lawnmowers,” Melissa said.

Anna got a text notification and looked up, “I’m sorry guys, but I have to get home. It’s a wonder he’s managed to keep it all together for this long. We have to do this again though.”

“Aww, well I’ve enjoyed it too! I hope Riley won’t be covered in flour like she was when they tried to make cookies,” Leigh said.

“You and me both!” Anna replied with a grin.

“I should be heading out too. Melissa, thank you for the much-needed time together! I’ll host the next one,” Leigh said.

“Oh, no problem. This is our form of therapy, right?” Melissa said.

“One hundred percent! I’d have gone mad ten times over if I couldn’t laugh and vent about these things to you guys,” Anna said.

Melissa walked Anna and Leigh to their cars outside. Hugs and another round of good-byes were said. Coming back inside, Melissa closed the front door and let out a satisfying sigh. Tonight had been so much fun; all of life’s stresses always seemed to melt away when they were near.

Grabbing the empty wine glasses and placing them in the kitchen sink, she was ready to catch up on the latest series she was binge-watching. She had at least another hour before her husband and kids would be back.

Friends, laughter, and mutual frustrations—all things to be thankful for, Melissa thought.

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